As a general rule, videogame movies defy physics: They both suck and blow. Sure, we all have our favorite exceptions - for me, it's the first Resident Evil. And some aren’t completely awful; I could sit through Silent Hill again... but I probably won’t. With the exception of Dead or Alive paired with a LOT of margaritas, no amount of alcohol can save you from the endemic awfulness of the typical adaption. Uwe Boll, I’m looking at you. (What are you going to do, hit a girl?)
So what’s a gamer to do when the inevitable tendonitis splints temporarily takes her out of the game? Well, you could talk to your family (you know, those people who live with you), or go outside to see if you actually will combust in the sun.
Or you could sit down and order up one of these videogame flicks. All awesome and 100% gamer friendly. They just don’t have anything to do with videogames. Something for everyone, a comedy - or action flick - tonight!
If your game is Rock Band or Guitar Hero...
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...rent This is Spinal Tap. A staple of real band touring buses everywhere, Spinal Tap chronicles the sorta ups and rather severe downs of England’s loudest band. The more you know about the music business, the harder you’ll laugh. If nothing else, you’ll see the dawning of the Christopher Guest improv films. Others may have done bigger box office, but this remains the best by far. It goes to 11. Not in the mood for a comedy? Crank the volume and enjoy a concert flick. Led Zeppelin rocks The Song Remains the Same. R&B, rap and comedy are featured in the superb Dave Chappell’s Block Party. Art house fans will no doubt have already seen Talking Heads in Stop Making Sense. And Stones fans have a beggar’s banquet from which to choose: Young Mick (Gimme Shelter), Jerry Hall-era Mick (Let’s Spend the Night Together) or embalmed Mick (Shine a Light). |
If your game is Fallout 3...
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...rent Mad Max (the first in The Road Warrior series). You want dystopian, post-apocalyptic horror? Check out the raiders, psychos and freaks wandering around what’s left of Australia. Some 28 years after its release, this remains the truest of the Mad Max films. For a cheesier view of the world post-nukes, check out John Carpenter’s Escape from New York. Then young and buff(ish) Kurt Russell, glossy mane at its shaggiest, IS Snake Plissken, Bad Ass Dude™. The titular New York has suffered the obligatory bridge/tunnel collapses, turning it into a giant penitentiary. When the President’s plane goes down, Snake is shot up with a 24-esque slow-dissolving pill that will blow his head up or something if he doesn’t act fast, he is sent sailing into New York to... well, you know. It’s not about the plot anyway. It’s about the full chandelier on the pimp-mobile driven by Isaac Hayes. I mean seriously folks, it just doesn’t get any better than that. |
If your game is Halo...
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...rent Starship Troopers. Big Bugs! Men and women showering together! Dr. Horrible back when it was “Hey, that’s Doogie Howser!” This camp classic has it all, along with a gentle reminder of what it was like under the Bush Administration.
Oh, and did I mention there's lots of gratuitous nudity from both sexes, in the same shower? Because that’s equal opportunity, too. Come for the B-grade acting, stay for the intentionally hysterical dialogue. “Would you like to know more?” Yes, you would. |
If your game is Portal...
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...rent Cube. Not Cube Zero, not Gleaming the Cube, just Cube. Part horror film, part psychological thriller, all confessional. A bunch of people wake up in a Cube. No one knows where they are, or how they got there. They just feel a need to... escape. (Sound familiar?)
Leaving one cube leads to another – some safe, others filled with some pretty messed up traps. Definitely not one for the little ones, although they might get bored before the carnage starts, anyway. Seriously, go rent Cube. The only things missing are GLaDOS and the promise of cake. |
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