The media is saturated with people trying to tell non-gamers what to buy their videogame-loving friends and relatives, which means you probably got five copies of the same game (or, if you're really lucky, multiple PS3/Move or Xbox 360/Kinect bundles!). Time to take those extras back to the nearest store, stand in a line longer than the wait for Santa, and get something you really want. We're real gamers (unlike many of those media types), and we're here to help.
So return those unopened extra copies of Mario Super-Happy-Fun-Fun-Adventure Times, cash those Chanukah checks from relatives you haven't seen since your Bat Mitzvah (mazel tov!), and turn your Christmas stocking inside out - there's a gift card in there somewhere. It's time to pick up the loot you really wanted, but that the big boss neglected to drop.
Here is the only Post-Holiday Videogame Buying Extravaganza Walkthrough you really need to read. This year, anyway.
1.01 - Bookstore
Your book-loving uncle sent you a Borders & Noble card for Christmas, but you totally read a book earlier this year. What to do? Kick it old school. The major bookstore chains carry board games throughout the year–but they really go crazy in December. You will find a special dungeon, "Holiday Gifts," filled with board games, card games and related memorabilia near the entrance. If you've arrived after lunchtime on December 26, it will have been looted vigorously by teen girls seeking Team Edward/Team Jacob Monopoly.
1.02 - Walkthrough
Enter the store and continue straight. You will encounter a disheveled table of old-school games (weight: 5; value: 1) lying around a table missing part of one leg. The table has already been looted vigorously - and sloppily - by teen girls (See Enemy: "Team Jacob" and Enemy: "Team Edward.") The Apples to Apples games and Star Wars merchandise will be untouched.
Walk stealthily past the Sobbing Wage Slave and examine the table. Everything here will be on fire sale. If Team Edward/Team Jacob did not find what they wanted, the table itself will be on fire. If you are near your weight limit and really not interested in Twilight: Scene It!, ask the Sobbing Wage Slave for directions to the Games Dungeon. Note: You have a greater chance of winning this speech challenge if you choose the speech that begins with "Excuse Me" and includes the words "please" and "thank you." Choosing the dark alliance speech may result in the Sobbing Wage Slave running to Dungeon: Men's Room, and then you'll have to find the Games Dungeon yourself, which you'll never do because it's really small and hard to find (lolz).
1.03 - Dungeon: Games
The Games Dungeon is really small, but occasionally has a rare item that you won't find in other locations. I totally walked by it five times before I found it. Hidden among the Sudoku for Dummies and TV Guide's Greatest Crossword books (weight: 5; value: -2) you will find a collection of videogame guides. The shelf will say they are alphabetical by game. The shelf is a lie. An illiterate 12-year-old elf has shoved the racy Dead or Alive guides in the wrong section because a boss ("Mom") was approaching, and he was not prepared to fight.
Scan the Damaged Mario Books (weight: 5; value: 2) for any title still in plastic. The pages are less likely to stick together. You have a random chance of finding one of several high-value books, including: Call of Duty: Black Ops Limited Edition (weight: 5; value: priceless), the Halo Encyclopedia (weight: 25; value: priceless), or Donkey Kong Country Returns Official Strategy Guide (weight: 5; value: priceless).
1.04 - Side Quest: Fiction
If you have some money left over after looting the Games Dungeon, consider accepting Side Quest: Fiction, where you can find novels based on videogame franchises including Halo, Gears of War, The Elder Scrolls, Assassin's Creed, and for you old schoolers, Doom. And if all else fails, go the calendar area. Everything is on sale 'cause it's after Christmas and they didn't sell everything. LOLZ!
2.01 - Big Box Chain Store
Your mom noticed that all your jeans have holes in them, and feels that's really not becoming for a 40-year-old. She would never actually say this to your face, so she has passive-aggressively including a gift Great Wal-of-Target card. (Mission: "I Wanted to Make Sure You Got Something You Wanted!") This mission will no longer be available the second you walk into the Great Wal-of-Target, as we both know you won't buy clothes.
2.02 - Walkthrough
All of the dungeons from Level 1 are here too, but you'll also find the "Electronics Dungeon." This will be marked on your store map. Make your way there and head straight for the locked case. This case requires a key. You must win a speech challenge with the Surly Clerk to get into the case, but it's totes worth it. Find the Surly Clerk and get his attention. This might take two or three tries. This unlocks the Speech challenges, "Dude, I want Call of Duty: Black Ops," "Dude, I want Fallout: New Vegas," "Dude, I want Epic Mickey" or "Dude: I want Lego Universe."
Choose your alignment and initiate the speech challenge. Note: Female characters have extremely high charisma and will automatically win this speech challenge every time. Male characters may have to win a secondary speech challenge, "I Want to Speak to Your (Big) Boss" to win this speech challenge.
3.01 - Game Store
Congratulations! Your luck was high enough to score the ultimate card loot, Game Store. All dungeons available in Levels 1 and 2 will be available here, but loot will be easier to reach. Also, you will find treasure chests (Xbox 360 with Kinect, PlayStation 3 with Move, Wii with... um, a Wii Remote) and lots of used games that other people already paid full price for and turned around.
3.02 - Walkthrough
This level is your proverbial candy store. It's way bigger than I could do last week, because I had finals. But I'll update this guide just as SOON as I can explore it more thoroughly. If you want more information, maybe you should just go buy the game guide, but I know you won't because you're here on this site reading it for free, and I bet you tried to peek in the guide but it was totally wrapped in plastic.
Lolz.
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