GrrlGotGame - Everything I need to know I learned from survival horror

You may find yourself waking up in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in another part of the world. With a beautiful house. And a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself: Well... how did I get here?

And you'll spend the next 11 to 20 hours trying to answer that very question... and picking up valuable tips along the way.

Without further adieu, we present... Survival tips from survival horror:

1. Avoid medical facilities. Okay, let's break this down a moment, shall we? Person gets attacked. Person bleeds. Person decides to seek medical help. Person goes to hospital. While waiting for the insurance company to deny the ER claim, person dies/converts into a zombie. And where is that person when it happens? AT. THE. HOSPITAL. Case closed. Instead...

2. Head straight to the mall. Because they have everything you need: Weapons (sporting good stores), entertainment (electronics stores), food (food court food never ever goes bad!), showers (department stores have changing rooms) and soft beds (again, your new home, the department store!). Plus, you're an American. And what's more American than going to the mall? Oh wait, I know this one...

3. Corporations are evil. Whether you know it or not, the Zombie Hell you are living in now was created because some middle-management doofus at a major corporation got drunk at the office, hit on a secretary, photocopied his personal parts and finished off the evening by turning out the lights as he left the building. Unfortunately, that wasn't a light switch. It was... the only thing restraining the virus! Now there's a big conspiracy to cover it up, which is really kind of stupid as only six people are still breathing. Which reminds me...

4. Joining forces with other survivors is never a good idea. Oh, sure, strength in numbers sounds like a good idea... but you know who's in your group? The doofus who got loaded at the office and started all this crap in the first place. If you must have others tag along, make sure they are...

5. Chicks. Because chicks have a better shot at survival. Women are naturally endowed with martial art prowess and the ability to pick up any weapon and wield it with deadly force. That, and women in videogames are always from some secret government agency. And finally, one last piece of advice...

6. Forget the towel. Always have a flashlight! Despite what the guidebook tells you, towels are not the most useful thing in the universe. Unless a monster wants to wash his hands after dining on your sweet, sweet cranium. A flashlight, on the other hand, can be used to identify said monsters during the eternal darkness. It also doubles as a weapon in the Pacific Northwest.

You have been warned...